What a hot topic! Understanding what boundaries are and how to manage them are crucial to a healthy society. Often problems arise out of this simple yet quite complex part of communicating with others. We think that because we feel something the other will automatically feel it too and know what to do. That might work 70% of the time with highly sensitive people but there’s a 30% margin of error in that recipe, even with those who are highly intuitive, that causes needless chaos and longterm stress. This is assuming people care about each other and are genuinely looking to find balance in their interactions. When someone’s intentions are not aligned with the highest good for both (if they have fallen out of self love or are living completely in shadow) it is even more crucial that we know how to maintain boundaries that support our wellbeing so we can continue to hold the space for ourselves that will maximize our growth.
Nice people often tend to allow others to walk all over them. Their lack of boundaries comes from both wanting to help others and not knowing when they are in fact doing themselves and others harm in the process of helping. It is almost never true that we can genuinely help another if it’s to our own detriment, we’re too connected for that to work.
Throughout my life I have struggled with this type of martyrdom. Placing the happiness and wellbeing of others before me, as do many. I was never really taught that caring for my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing should come first before everyone elses. This is very common for many people that live or have lived with those who are in a state of suffering. What we are slowly beginning to understand collectively is that the world gains nothing if we have to bring ourselves down in order to lift others up. If it’s not a win-win, one loses in the end, so what was the point to begin with. In the long run when happy people are tallied up on a global scale, for it to be of benefit to all, both must gain power through their interactions.
Communication becomes the main tool when enforcing boundaries. Sometimes boundaries can be set by removing ourselves completely from a situation but we can not assume silence is a firm boundary that others will understand. From my perspective as an introvert/extravert, silence becomes a big wide open space to fill. We can not push others away by leaving a giant hole for them to be vacuumed into, in my view it mimics the natural laws of the universe which say, ‘no space will be left empty’, everything is filled with something and if you don’t actively chose what it will be filled with then someone else will do that for you and possibly do it in a way that will impinge upon your freedom. Silence, deflection or negation from my experience has never set up healthy boundaries for any two people in the long run, it just perpetuates the problem or leaves it to be dealt with at a later time.
Proper communication about boundaries boils down to speaking our truth about how we feel. If we don’t know our truth then that becomes the first priority but it’s usually something that is already present and simply needs to be uncovered and acknowledged. My truth can be felt both in my gut (second chakra) and in my heart. Finding where your truth speaks to you in your body is a very important tool. Knowing your truth first is necessary in order to then establish healthy boundaries in the realm of any relationship, whether that be with co-workers, friends, family or lovers.
Knowing and speaking your truth is probably the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. Leadership and success are born out of our ability to find our truth and take action upon it. Sometimes when we can’t find our truth because we are in fear, guilt or shame it is necessary for us to take a calculated risk. Anything is better than no communication about boundaries at all. My ideas about that calculated risk is that if we seek to evolve we must also allow for mistakes but then of course learn from them. Anything is better than being stagnant. Stagnant waters breed bacteria and an unsafe place to rest. Decisiveness might lead us into the unknown, generate much fear and instability but it is a forward moving energy that can be transformed at any time through truth which is one of the highest forms of love and respect. The most important thing is intention. If your intention is to love and respect yourself first then clear boundaries that are healthy for you can be drawn.
Speak your truth even when your voice shakes. Sometimes establishing boundaries goes against every fibre of our being. Especially for empaths who are highly sensitive, we tend to search for the need behind those sitting in front of us and forget to feel into the need sitting within us. Going against our empathic grain in this sense can be very scary and over extending ourselves more comfortable in the short term. In the long term this over extension wears our capacity to interact with others efficiently and happily so it’s important to face ourselves head on if we do not wish to constantly seek solitude or feel like we have to avoid others.
Tips for establishing healthy boundaries while respecting others
Stay connected to yourself at all times and never give people more than your body tells you is ok to give.
Take time out of your life to address your boundaries with those that you feel necessary to do so with.
Communicate your truth even if you feel it might disappoint another. Respecting ourselves is the biggest gift and best example to share with others. If we wish to empower others we must first empower ourselves.
Don’t let people over-run you and if you feel they have let them know how you feel with no further delay.
Don’t wait for things to get out of hand and find yourself in anger and resentment which eat us up alive.
Know that when you set up boundaries for yourself, that act of self-love glows like the shinning star that you are.
Direct communication can only lead to decisive action and a sure shift in the relationship that might end it but could possibly help it flourish. Both are valid paths.
Don’t be wishy-washy about who you are, spend time getting to know yourself well enough to constantly be stepping forward in relationships with conviction and in a proactive direction.
Don’t fear hurting others, sometimes the best way to help others is to let them accept your boundaries and take responsibility for the wounds that might have been triggered by your act of self-love.
Don’t forget that whatever we resist persists. Not establishing boundaries for ourselves out of guilt or fear will inevitably perpetuate situations we are attempting to remove ourselves from.
I’ve really had to step into my boundaries this year and although creating them with some people has literally given me anxiety attacks, the fact is that it has drastically improved the quality of my life and the relationships of those I chose to keep in it. Especially for those loving kind souls, free yourself from the tyranny of old relationship paradigms and martyrdom and step into your sovereignty here in the Now New Earth!
One love always,
J