My kids and I have pretty much been knocked out for 5 days straight. Boiling shivers, dizzy, could barely hear, see, you name it. I was hit with an upgrade similar to this one back in May around the scorpio full moon. When these moments come and all ties with the outer world are lost, all one has left to do is to move inwards and sense into the deepest parts of the body. For the first day or so I was simply observing how my heart chakra and third chakra were closing up, then it was the second chakra that went bananas and then finally my root chakra was so closed I barely even noticed it until the very end.
As I felt into these energy centres I began to notice their movements were following the same patterns of opening and closing they went through over the course of 2017. Later on that day I read a blog Teal Swan wrote about how on New Years Eve we would feel the totality of all the feelings we had felt through out the year in that one day. That’s exactly what happened to me. I began to sink into them to understand the messages fully. These moments are precious gateways.
I thought back to when I had channeled in the sweet energy report for 2018 and how we’re going to be moving into a softer place of learning and how that could be applied to the here and now while I was in the myst of the worst flu ever. The only way to truly align ourselves with something greater than where we are is to reconcile the differences between the two. To allow the sum total of what we don’t want to push up to the surface what we definitely do want, this is what helps us align with our truth and produces the path way forward.
The personal work I had been doing over the last two years have revolved around the themes of victimhood and disempowerment. Starting back in 2015, through the shadow work I had embarked on, brought me into my childhood and then past lives and how these themes were playing out in my current life. Observing where they were being anchored into my belief system, showing up in my relationships with the people I chose to engage with and in my ability to connect to the highest version of myself.
The part of me that sees things from a oneness perspective knows that these vibrations are disablers to where I’m going but the other parts of me that were still feeling like I needed to heal from any past wounds, including my ancestral wounds were keeping them alive. It was as though any juice left in them was being squeezed out at the very last minute so a nice opening would be created for the new to emerge.
What this clashing of tides was teaching me about was my ability to release suffering. Suffering being kept alive by remaining in the throws of dualistic thinking and ways of interpreting the world around me. My mind kept on wandering down the road of possibilities and mulling over the question, “how does one fully step out of dualism while being alive on earth?”. It’s impossible to bypass this very physical law of nature but I had touched this blissful state many times over the last year and knew it was possible to anchor in fully. This is how I wanted to continuously experience things moving forward. A vibration that allows me to exist and create above and beyond life’s very visible injustices. To feel, yet not become a prisoner to the feelings without turning into a nihilist or a too morally stuck up spiritualist. Even more importantly how to unstick myself from the very energies which keep those unstable mindsets alive in the first place.
This brought me again back to my childhood. The question that arose was, “what was your first experience of love?”, the answer was very clear, the love I had expereicned was always associated to the pain body, due to lots of reasons trickling all the way back down my family linage. I believe many of us can relate to this to different degrees and can say that love was never so clean cut. The greater we experienced pain along side love the deeper the wound of separation. The deeper the feelings of victimhood and disempowerment become rooted, the easier it is to get hooked into energies which would create the proof for these beliefs.
As I began to observe these clashing energies from the old alchemize into lighter energies I was shown the perspective of how it works so I could wrap my mind around it. My brain is hyper active, I’m the annoying one at the back of the class that continuously has my hand up because I can never get enough understanding of something, from all sides. So luckily the mental clarity arrived, which really helped me digest fully this important message about living from Love. The perspective is simple, the light and dark will always exist, I especially needed to accept that shadow will always exist. I spent half my life learning about Love through shadow and the other half trying to fix it, so I needed to get my mind out of the loop of trying to solve the ‘problem’ of shadow. Not just of mine or those I was in contact with but of humanities.
The resolve of this is how I chose to experience my own shadows, the shadows in others and the shadows I see in the human collective. This is what will dictate my state of being and where I can operate from. So slowly as I moved through each feeling in my body that was disabling me from feeling empowered and feeling love, I repeated, “feeling this negative emotion is not bad”. Simple but powerful in shifting the whole paradigm of suffering on its head. Shadow is not bad. Deep inhale, deep exhale.
Once I accepted that I would never be able to erase negative feelings all together, the feelings of victimization and disempowerment started to dissolved. Shadow which is built off of fear will never disappear. Courage is not to act despite fear but to accept fear with open arms without needing to control it or fix it. Not to diminish it or to bypass it but to feel it and accept it without clinging to it. To allow its existence without trying to suppress it or change it, is the best way to honour it and create room for growth despite it.
My mind finally reached a tipping point which gave way to my fever breaking that said, “shadows can be integrated painlessly when seen from within the endless upwards spiral of Love.” Our Shadows, when acknowledged with love become our greatest teachers, within their darkness they contain all the evolutionary possibilities for growth and expansion. All it takes is courage and open eyes to see them and love to integrate them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this process and I feel this is what 2018 is all about, this is truly where taking our power back will come from. In order to remember our divinity we have to wipe clean our windows of perception first.
Blasting Love!